theunicornkittenkween

mothwizard:

me: i want something very short and small and cutesy but most importantly body safe and discreet

sex toy companies: try the DEVASTATOR SEVENTY THREE INCHES OF PURE JELLY RUBBER HYPER REALISTIC VEINS WE SHOWED IT TO A NUN ONCE AND SHE BURST INTO FLAMES THERE’S ONLY ONE SETTING: DEVASTATION THE VIBRATIONS CAUSED AN EARTHQUAKE MILLIONS ARE DEAD

I miss working in a whack-shack so much sometimes.

#21 Condor

Ok, first of all, can we talk about this movie poster? Look at it. LOOK AT IT.

Now that we’ve set the expectations for this film with that non-nonchalant explosion, we have to talk about this movie. It reminds you immediately that it’s a TV-movie by opening with shots of quasi-future-ish traffic (the movie was made in 1986, so they picked the high-future year of 1999 for the setting) and a bizarrely informative, yet somehow still useless narration by our hero, played by Ray Wise.

Dearest Ray looks and sounds like Charlton Heston piloting the skin of Mick Jagger.

The first robots seen here are prison guard androids, and you quickly feel the bar being set rather low.

They opt for the low budget version of the look from THX 1138, guys in bulky white hazmat-casual ensembles. However, the closer shots of the helmets prove their design is actually rather good and somewhat decrease the ‘clumsy human’ aspect that ruins many an android illusion.

Lisa is an android paired up with whatshisface as a partner in classic ‘I just lost my partner so I’m bitter toward you and a little robot-racist but okay get in the car’ fashion. Other than heightened intelligence and a few other miniscule moments of inhuman abilities, they do little to enforce Lisa as an android. Whether this is to enforce that she’s so advanced she’s practically human or someone just forgot, it doesn’t make her any less likeable.

For the most part, the movie actually doesn’t delve into the spandex-n-science goofiness most low-budget future movies give us - especially from the era of it’s making - rather, we have little normal things, like voice recognition and fast food establishments (pirate themed, because why not?) manned by sexy automatons that end at the waist. No film-scratch lasers or chrome automatic doors (until later), hell, the character’s house still has wood paneling.

…and holographic viking opera alarms. But still. He owns a chrome blender, and if anything, that looks future-y.

Despite somewhat promising beginnings, including the Lisa the android partner assigned to Proctor (had to look that up, because of course you would) the movie does slip somewhere in the middle into ‘generic 80’s action flick’, complete with obviously toy-sized helicopters being passed off as huge killer drones, Tron-style ‘effects’, and a catsuited villain called the Black Widow intent on taking over… stuff… with computers. Because reasons. Her brother was killed or something, I wasn’t paying attention after this, seeing as how nothing, nothing could surpass Viking Holo-Alarm.